Puzzle

For a portion of elementary school, I went to a school specifically created for children with learning disabilities. A big part of learning to achieve and work to my potential was learning how I best learn and what made it certain things difficult for me. At one point early on, I had a parent teacher conference where I had to explain my learning disability to my parents. I had to tell them what made it hard for me to learn and what I was naturally gifted at and how to combine the two so I could do well in school (and life in general, really). To explain it, my teacher and I took a plain white puzzle and decorated it writing my talents, etc on it and then we talked about how I was really good at looking at taking a whole puzzle and breaking it into little pieces but my struggles came when it it was time to put it all together or see where the little pieces fit into the big piece.

This week I struggled. I was looking at little pieces of the adoption process and feeling like we had come so far but really I just had one tiny piece. I was completely overwhelmed and I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't figure out how to get the tiny pieces back together or how these little puzzle pieces were going to ever make one big puzzle. I'd feel guilty that I wasn't rushing and doing everything I could (debt included) to bring our baby home. I'd feel guilty that I was working on paperwork and letting my kids watch an extra show. My kids boycotted nap time this week and I felt like it was some horrible representation of my mothering abilities. Instead of using this time to get into God's word and spend time with Him, letting Him know my overwhelmed and terrified feelings, I tried to handle it. I was sure I could will my kids to nap and have great positive attitudes about everything I requested them to do, that I could get all kinds of paperwork done, magically make money appear that wasn't there, and have a perfectly clean house. I got so cranky and easily frustrated. Then, Friday night I just felt like God wanted my attention and started praying. Thanking God for everything I could. Thanking Him for this time to get closer to Him, for my strong willed kids who love each other fearlessly. Thanking Him for my husband who was working like a crazy man to support us and allow us to go out of town again next week rather than getting frustrated he was gone all week. Thanking Him for where we live and that I have to learn to depend on Him instead of my sisters or parents to help me out rather than feeling like we just have everything harder than everyone else because we don't have family close by. Thanking Him for what He is going to do with this adoption. How He is going to show up because we asked and trusted Him to do so. How He is going to teach us how to trust Him and Him alone because nothing seems easy about this. Then I snuggled with my kids in my bed and watched 101 Dalmatians and just soaked them up. Life calmed down, God delivered, and I was much less overwhelmed. I trusted Him. I trust Him. Today I took my tiny pieces and put them into one big piece. (everything looks better in an organized excel spreadsheet, doesn't it?!)

 I'm fighting the overwhelmed feelings by attempting to pray for each piece we need to do-that we are able to do the paperwork in a timely fashion, that we would trust and work on fundraisers towards each piece, and that we would trust God's perfect timing. We are definitely focused and excited about bringing our sweet baby home but we have two sweet babies home too and can not lose focus of them either. We will work as hard as possible on fundraising and paperwork and keeping things organized but we will also remain present with our family. If that means that it takes us a bit longer than others, we are at peace with that (mostly :) ). We are not failing our future child by working on this at a pace that we are comfortable with. God has our future child picked and planned out, because they are meant for our family, our personalities, and parenting styles and God knows exactly how long we are going to take and has our baby ready for when we are ready. He's got this. I know He does.

God is already teaching me so very much about myself, our family, and most of all, HIM through this process. We are so excited to have another sweet baby to teach about the love and saving grace of Jesus Christ in our home.

Something else God is working on me through this adoption....being transparent and vulnerable. I think this counts as a good start, don't you?! :)