Some days, I don't feel like learning. Because a lot of times, learning is hard. You have to learn because you don't know something yet. When I was in school (especially college) I loved learning. New things made me smarter, made me ready to experience more of the world because I was gaining knowledge before I needed it. Now, though, I feel like I'm learning things out of necessity, or worse, desperation. There are things I've learned lately I didn't want to learn. Like, how to make it through days, weeks, and months, with no more than a 2 hour stretch of sleep. Or how to sleep when you're worried your baby might stop breathing in his sleep.Or how to leave a public setting with a screaming almost 3 year old and a fussy baby with your dignity still intact (kind of).
I didn't set out on this parenting of two journey to learn that most advice on getting my baby to sleep, eat, gain weight, stop fussing or screaming, or let me leave him for even just an hour at church, that I found in books, from doctors, and friends just wasn't going to work. I also didn't set out on this journey expecting to love having my heart in pieces walking around me. I didn't expect to learn how much of an emotional Mommy I can be. I didn't expect to LOVE watching my baby's little chest rise and fall as he sleeps on the video monitor.
Or how hearing 'Mama' from my own flesh and blood is just as wonderful the second time around.
Another thing I've learned lately, thanks to a great friend, is to do my quiet time in FRONT of my kids (Addilyn especially). It will teach them to learn that time is important and necessary each and everyday. I had been putting it off until they were asleep at night so that I could really focus (the mornings start SUPER early 'round here and that just isn't going to happen) and by then, I really didn't get much out of it. I was exhausted, cranky, and just done. Now, even though it's a shorter amount of time, it's so much more meaningful. I get time I desperately need with Christ, Addilyn learns how to 'be wif Jesus' and wants to do the same thing. We nearly always finish my quiet time reading from her Bible. She's starting to ask lots of questions about Christ... "Where Jesus live? Where God? Who God, Mommy? Why we talk to Jesus? Jesus live in our hearts...Noah do too? (after reading a story about Noah from her Bible)" She's picking up and remembering SO much more than I expected from going to the preschool class at church. It's amazing!
I've been reading and praying Psalms37:7 (Be still before the Lord and wait PATIENTLY for Him) and Exodus 14: 13&14 (...Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will work for you today...The Lord will fight for you and you have only to be silent)a lot lately. God's using this time so much. I had begun, (again, gez...) to try to plan/worry/figure out our future. Some things I was starting to worry about (daily, moment by moment...) :are we going to be moving soon? how many more kids do we want? do we want more? do we want them to be biological children? or adopt? Where will Addilyn start school? Public? Private? Homeschool? Should she do preschool? How are we going to afford things like swimming lessons, dance classes, soccer?
Is Josiah ok? Should I be letting him cry more? Should I hold him more? What's he going to be like as he gets older? Is he eating enough? Growing enough?
I mean seriously. These things would go through my head 100s of times a day. I had FINALLY decided enough of was enough. I don't have answers to most of these questions...but I know God does. I know He knows exactly what's coming. He knows whats going to happen, how it's going to happen, and when. He knows what is best for our family, for our kids and their schooling, for all of it. He's got it, He'll fight for me. And that, my friends, is freeing. Our family (our kids, where we live, etc) is how God planned it and how can that make me worry?! Pretty sure His plans have ALWAYS worked out better than mine. There are SO many great things coming out of this sleepy phase of life that I wouldn't trade it for anything.
