On being a Momma to two.

I've now been a Momma to two precious gifts from God for over a year. I remember when I was pregnant (especially the last trimester or so) with Josiah being terrified that having two kids was going to be as hard as people said it was. I was sure they had to be wrong. Sure that it couldn't be that much harder with another sweet baby. But, in the back of my head I knew it was possible. Knew it really could be as hard as everyone said. I was sure I was up for the challenge. Let me tell you, I was wrong. It is SO much harder than I ever could have imagined. So much more of a blessing as well, but for real. I was not up for the challenge. I had no idea what to expect. Now, please note I did NOT say I loved Josiah less, thought he was a bad baby, or wished I wouldn't have had him. NO WAY. Actually, I'm amazed by how much I DO love him. How much I'm reminded and amazed that each teeny tiny thing he does is a miracle straight from heaven. And, how much more I love each child (and their daddy) each and every day. This year was worth every struggle, tear, and sleepless night, don't get me wrong. But, it was full of struggles, tears, and sleepless nights.

You know when you get married, as soon as you get back from the honeymoon (maybe even before), people start asking how many kids you want and when you want to start having them? We never put a number to it. We said we were open to what God wanted. We wanted to be good parents. Wanted to have endless patience with our kids, be able to have time and energy to teach and love each child individually and just how they needed it, and be able to enjoy every moment with them. When we stopped being able to do that, we'd stop having kids. But, I didn't think I'd ever reach that point with just two. Now, I know it's impossible to have endless patience and enjoy every moment but in my head, that was possible. But, in all honesty, I don't feel like this year has been full of those things. I feel like I've done a terrible job being consistently patient with my kids or soaking up and enjoying my time with them. I know if I looked back at the year in pictures and really thought through it, I'd think of lots of times I did do those things. I do know my kids individually and know when they need to snuggle, a cup of milk, time for their Momma just to listen. But, I also know I'd see lots of times I didn't. Lots of times that I lost my patience far too quickly (especially with Addilyn). Lots of times that I just wanted the moment to be over instead of enjoying it. A lot of that has to do with the fact that this year has been one illness after another for our little man. We've been much more housebound than I ever thought, can't quite get on a sleeping schedule because every time he gets better at sleeping, he gets sick again. This past week, he had hives. And, not just any hives...but extra special bad hives because that's just how Josiah rolls. He is now clear and on steroids.

    

Prayerfully, he'll stay clear of hives once the steroids are out of his system and he doesn't get this again. It was miserable, for him most of all, but for all of us too. This Momma doesn't do well with sick kids. Especially when I can't do anything. I was giving him medicine constantly...Benadryl, tylenol, ibuprofen, and just trying everything I could to make him comfortable. Not much worked. I know that compared to what a lot of Mom's deal with with their kids illnesses, hives aren't that big of a deal...but they sure rocked our world.





All of this to say, I don't know what the rest of our family will look like. I'm almost positive we aren't 'done' having kids but for now, we're good. We've got two kids we adore and love being with. We've also got some learning and loving to do.